Top 10 Things About Your Ex

Women can be nosy bitches. But just because they start prying into your past doesn't mean they really want to know that much about your ex. Ignorance is bliss sometimes, so check out the 10 things current girlfriends don't want to hear you say about your ex!

No.10 - "She was wild and crazy... if you know what I mean."

A guy who says this is either soft in the head or playing some sort of game that ultimately makes him the loser. Never -- ever! -- tell a woman about your naughty escapades. Not only does it make her cringe to think about you naked with another girl, but she will view you as less gentlemanly for being a kiss-and-teller. All manner of specifics with regard to your past sexcapades fall into the category of things she doesn't want to hear about your ex.

No.9 - "She used to model," or "She was a butterface."

How women feel about the attractiveness of your ex is a delicate balance: If she find out she was fugly, we wonder why you couldn't get a hotter chick until now. If you admit she was gorgeous, it makes her insecure about how she stacks up. The best possible way to describe how attractive an ex was is to shrug your shoulders and say, "She was OK." The indifference satisfies them (at least until they stalk your old Facebook photos).

No.8 - "She won Best Personality in high school. Actually, we were voted Cutest Couple too."

Vomit much? FYI: Your current girlfriend has the best personality of any girl you've ever dated and you two are the cutest couple to have ever graced the planet. Please reread the above sentence 10 times over as your penance for revealing that barf-worthy information.

No.7 - "She worked in a lingerie store."

Oh, and did she get a 40% discount too? Greeeaat. While most women have their own set of silky and sassy undergarments, the idea of your ex having an entire stash of lingerie is pretty intimidating. Your latest girl wants to feel special in that little number she bought just for you -- and she doesn’t want to think about how you've seen a girl all Victoria Secret-ed out a hundred times before us.

No.6 - "She's fluent in four languages and is working on her second book. I don't know how she does it all."

Spare us. Here your girl thought her monthly Book Club made her culturally interesting. Any time she hears about another woman who can do it all (and is a smarty to boot!), it makes her question her own successes and worldly attributes. Like, good for your ex, and she really does mean it. But when all of a sudden her schedule is too packed to hang out with you because she's also decided to conquer the world, blame yourself for lighting that little fire under her ass.

No.5 - "My parents loved her."

Ughhh. Establishing good rapport with our your parents is one of the most nerve-racking things for a woman. She already gets jitters wondering how much your family actually likes her, and that's without knowing that they're secretly comparing her to your beloved ex-gf. If you really want to kill her quickly, just tell us about how your parents and ex still e-mail every day too.

No.4 - "She pretty much broke my heart."

We don't know who came up with the myth that women love a heartbroken man, because they don't. She squirms at this phrase because of the personal baggage it implies. If your ex shattered you, then she can't help but wonder how much you still dwell on the past and if you have any issues (like a fear of commitment) just waiting to come out. Everyone has experienced painful moments in relationships, and we understand that. But she's not still moping about her former failures, and neither should you.

No.3 - "She was a stripper."

You lucky bastard. Still, this is gonna make your current squeeze sprint to her gyno. An ingrown hair? No, it must be herpes! The paranoia that comes with knowing your ex didn't keep her body private can be pretty intense. Plus, who the hell dates a stripper?

No.2 - "We took amazing vacations together."

Even the sanest, most logical chick will get a little jealous if she hears that you and your ex went skydiving in New Zealand, hiked the Inca Trail in Peru, or just ordered frosty pina coladas on a Florida beach for three straight days. She likes to think that the experiences you have together are brand new and exciting, and that you've never been anywhere with any other female. Hearing about how much fun you used to have with your ex just bums her out.

No.1 - "My ex did it this way."

Please excuse us while we get a butter knife to saw off your balls. You can tell us if we're doing it right.