WE WANT ANSWERS

Where have you been?

Still around. With MTV Bakra. We are relaunching this month. Apart from that, there's that sitcom Kya Baat Hai which obviously nobody's watching. Even though we did a Greg-Ganguly standoff.

Why is that?

Because the standards are so low.

And why are the standards low?

Include people like me and you've already kept low standards. There's just so much stress to make it happen.

Alright, let's go back in time. Was Bakra your idea?

It wasn't really someone's idea. We were hanging around waiting for some starlet to arrive at a shoot back in 1999. Had a lot of time to kill and that's when I noticed these taxi drivers hanging around. There's a classic clash that the typical Mumbai teens in jeans and T-shirts have with taxi drivers. We took it from there, played a few pranks on them and later got back to the studio to review the tapes. Before we knew it, everyone in MTV India were laughing their guts out. And after five years of MTV India, it isn't easy for those working there to laugh.

The tapes were leaked?

No. In fact, it just made sense to extend it into a full-fledged programme. There really wasn't any strategic planning. In fact, we owe the taxi drivers' union 50 percent of the revenue.

You do have a deep connection with taxi drivers.

Yeah, it started with my first date, hasn't ended. She was gorgeous and with a princely sum of Rs 300 in my pocket, I rang her doorbell. Later I realised her mother would be coming too! I spent the evening speaking to the cabbie. And found they have a better life that I do. The worst part was when her mom dropped me home.

Did you ever have to stage any of the Bakraacts?

You can't stage them. The only problems you'd face are technical snags. The gags were never a problem.

What was the strangest moment?

Everyone's asked me this so many times, that I've started making it up.

Never mind then, tell us, does a sense of humour get a man the chicks?

I think this "sense of humour gets you the girls" part was written by some 51-year old lesbian from Ontario whose father was this gay, funny guy. Take a quick check of the funny guys we know: Sajid Khan - zero chicks, Javed Jaffrey - nope, Shekhar Suman - zilch, Navjot Sidhu (with all this sports humour) - no luck, Cyrus Broacha - nil. Which really means it's all hogwash. I am telling you, it's a conspiracy by the lesbian movement.

Your wife doesn't quite dig your funnies, eh?

From some strange reason, she only likes me when I am depressed and out. Not when I am being my stupid self.

Why aren't women funny?

I think it's because they can't grow facial hair. They just wish they had a beard. I think that's where the funnies come from. But to be honest, I don't think human being, men or women, are funny at all. I think animals have a far better sense of humour.

And why is that?

Because humans don't listen. I mean, are you listening to me? I am sure you are thinking of the game right now. Only animals listen to me.

You do your bit for homeless dogs.

Yup and snails as well. My son and I go to the park and watch snails.

And why is that?

Because I am trying to prepare him for bigger things in life, like marriage. It's slow and boring. Nothing really happens.

The Miss India show you compared was a riot.

Yeah, but the rights and everything else is taken. So the joke's on me now. But honestly, that was a cakewalk. I mean everyone's so serious about it. They take this ridiculously shallow thing so seriously! It's only a beauty contest. About these beautiful girls who come on TV and end up as filmstars three years down the line. None of them ever become fighter pilots or do any kind of social service that they promised in the pageant.

What was your interest then?

Only the girls. What do you talk to them about? Cricket? Well, I tried to do that with Lara but she had nothing to do with the cricketer. So let's admit it, at the end of the day you just get to see over-ambitious pretty chicks and a rise in alcoholism.

Ever tried drugs?

Nah, alcohol and the bad behaviour that comes with it is good enough for me. Drugs are far too expensive.

Weed, maybe?

Even with all those medical theories about it being better than alcohol I've never really been a smoker. So, I can't really endorse it. I know you are dying for me to, for your own personal interest.

Where do you go for the laughs?

Other than the mirror, I watch sitcoms, Seinfeld.

Which reminds us about the Friends ripoff you had done. How on earth could you do it?

I must admit it was the worst moment in TV for me. Obviously it was never going to work since the director was translating the Friends series quite literally. We came to the part where Ross's wife divorces him because she's lesbian. The director refused to do that here because he thought our audience wasn't ready for it! So he changed it to something like he just got dumped for another guy! And you were supposed to laugh at that?

So what is good Indian humour for you?

There are a couple of good TV serials like Office Office with a good script. And then Jaspal Bhatti resurfaces every once in a while and kicks ass. Honestly, there is nothing like an Indian humour. You could have a market for "sophisticated" humour on one hand and then dress up like a South Indian idiot to cater to another. It's always a 3-4 segment market. But then things are evolving. Even Hindi movies are beginning to have less songs. But then who wants humour when you've got sex. By the way, do you feature naked girls in the magazine?

You know censorship rules...

Come on, it's a big joke. We use enough of BC and MC expletives in the MTV shows to pepper things a bit. Of course we put in the beeps but only delivering the expletive. Works fine, doesn't it? There's always a way around this hypocrisy.

What's next?

The usual. Get small roles in movies like Deewane Hue Paagal, train my son in cricket and watch trees grow.